399

I moved away from the Yellowstone Teton area shortly after high school. To be honest I didn’t give Wyoming the appreciation it deserved in my youth. I returned to the area only once for an extremely quick visit that had nothing to do with sightseeing Wyoming’s majesty. The summer of 2019 was really my first return to simply see the sights. I had been begging my then husband to take the family on a real vacation. Something more than just an overnight drive to the coast incredibly sporadically. Money was always his excuse we couldn’t go anywhere or do anything, but the truth was vacationing with family was dead last on his priority list. After 18 years of marriage he begrudgingly took the family to Teton and Yellowstone. Places he had never been before. To say he ruined our first ever, and only, family vacation isn’t giving justice to the extraordinary energy he put into ruining every aspect of our trip. He was angry and cruel and decimated what should have been such delightful cherished family memories. I wanted more than anything to see a bear and I fell in love with the state I once took for granted. Traveling around the area we came across a number of Bear Jams, to which he refused to stop. The ex used those opportunities to degrade my feelings.  He shouted to no-one in particular: how stupid, go see the bears in the zoo if you need to see one that bad, stop holding up traffic. But I knew those words were for me. I told him seeing bears in the wild was incredible and wasn’t the same. He simply sneered and drove on. And oh how he hurt my feelings. 

2020 arrived and with it all things Covid. But something else made an appearance. Grizzly bear 399 and her 4 beautiful cubs. And my heart ached to return to GTNP. To see the mountains. To see her. I hoped for a better outcome a second time around. I knew we would see her. I wasn’t stupid for wanting to see her. I tried and tried to talk the ex into going back to no avail. 

2021 arrived with another huge bang. Covid was still in full swing, but my husband’s years long surly demeanor had taken a decided uptick.  In February I caught him redhanded. My long standing suspicions of an affair, wasn’t just a suspicion any more. I retained an attorney and filed for divorce in March. Regret haunted me and at times overwhelmed me. Regret that I had spent 19.5 years acquiescing to alternating silent treatment and rage. Regret I hadn’t been stronger and left. Regret I wasted almost 20 years of my life on a liar and a cheat. Memories of our 2019 trip to Wyoming embodied all the emotional, verbal and financial abuse and pain of 20 years and it stung. 

Wyoming and 399 called to me. She was beautiful and strong and independent, raising her 4 children with grit and determination. She was running her race well and I wanted to experience her freedom in person. It wasn’t stupid to want to see her. 

After my ex postponed several divorce hearings, he was finally ordered out of our house and to pay temporary support in June 2021.  After 20 years of walking on eggshells I slowly began to know peace in my own home. I was ordered to cover the mortgage and related expense pending our divorce trial. And just like that, the extent of his financial lies were laid bare. 

Three of my children and I quietly planned a vacation for July 2021. Wyoming here we come. The fires out west were horrific that summer, wind blowing the smoke to Wyoming mere days ahead of us. We arrived in the evening to mountains hidden behind brown air and my heart sank. But God was kind the morning after we arrived and brought rain washing away the brown skies exposing God’s great creation. How awe inspiringly beautiful the Tetons are. Although we saw bears, unfortunately never 399. Although I was disappointed to miss 399, unlike our 2019 trip, this trip to Wyoming was filled joy and love and refreshed my soul. 

Our divorce was final in December 22. The Ex’s anger towards the trips I had taken with the kids during our separation pending the divorce trial was palpable and brought up at our divorce trial. Family vacations were not important to him and he attempted to make it appear there was something wrong with me for making up for the wasted years of watching him drunk on the living room  sofa, while I dreamed of the places I wanted to take the kids. The divorce shined a very bright light on how easily we could have afforded vacations while married. He asked to end all support obligations because I was using ‘his’ money to take the kids to see the world. Thankfully our judge didn’t entertain the ex’s arguments.  

My kids and I returned to the Tetons in July 2024. I never saw 399 in the wild. 
I have been in tears since reading of 399’s death. It feels like a part of me is gone. She was just a bear, but so much more.  She will never know that at a time when I needed courage and determination to start over after infidelity, she lite the fire to travel to see the very wild bears my ex cruelly made fun of my desire to see.

RIP 399. You are my inspiration. My future has so many more adventures awaiting.