Life before Narc

I was married prior to Ex. I met my first husband in high school. I was young, naive. He was a few years older. My boss.  

When I was 16 my parents moved us light years away from where I grew up. It could have easily been Siberia. My 16 year old self felt like it was Siberia. We moved from one of the most populated areas in the US to nowhere. I was resentful, rebellious, looking for excitement in a sleepy tiny little town 100 miles from absolute nowhere and in walks Mr. Party. Looking back he was wrong on every level, but I was young, naive and in love. I caught him cheating once. He begged my forgiveness. It was a mistake, forgive me please. Sigh. I forgave. Little did I understand what was to come. 

Shortly after high school graduation my family moved yet again. 18 hours away to be exact. I was heartbroken. I was leaving my friends. I was leaving him. 

After about a year of phone time he moved to me. Still unwilling to make a permanent commitment but he was back. He was still Mr. Party. I was working towards a degree and didn’t have time to party, so he partied without me. I caught him cheating again. I was just a glutton for punishment I guess. I forgave him. 

Time passed and he ended up taking a job in LA. I had no intentions of moving to LA as his girlfriend. All of a sudden he was hot and heavy to get married. I think going alone scared him a little. We got married and moved. I found out I was pregnant about a year later. Somewhere in there he started leaving me at home alone more and more to go out with work friends. I suspected he was cheating but never caught him. When our first child was about 6 months old he took a different job and we moved again. Child number 2 and child number 3 arrived in very quick succession.  Once he became comfortable with his new work friends, he was right back to going out more and more.  He told me I was welcome to come along but he wasn’t staying home. He knew I couldn’t go. He was staying out very late almost nightly. I suspected he was cheating but never caught him. We had one car and he took it with him to his outings which made it hard to catch him. 

 I couldn’t take it anymore. I told him I wanted to move back to where my family is. Either he find a job there or Im going without him. 

He found a job fairly quickly and we moved back. At first he settled in and seemed content, but that didn’t last long. New work friends and more partying. Baby number 4 arrived. He had a vasectomy shortly after that. 

His employer closed their doors, laying off the entire staff. He found a comparable job within days, and that’s when things took a decidedly noticeable and weird turn. He started going on out of town ‘work’ trips for trainings. Because of all the driving he demanded he take our new minivan rather than his older daily driver. He came back from one of his ‘work’ trips with a car trash bag attached to the passenger door. Huge red flag. I didn’t mention it to him, but realized it was time for some investigating. He had a whole string of email addresses. Same password for each and every one. He was using 2 different ones for porn purchases. He was using one to communicate with a woman he worked with at the site that was closed down. She had moved 5 hours away after losing her job. They were meeting 1/2 way at a motel every week or two.  Using yet another email he was coordinating early withdrawals from his IRA to fund his affairs. 

When I confronted him about the affair, he of course became defensive. I asked how many woman. He said he had ‘only’ slept with 3 others besides the current one. So if he’s to be believed, he slept with 4 women in 9 years of marriage. Add those 4 to the 2 I know about prior to marriage we are up to 6 he is willing to admit to. 

Our divorce took almost 2 years to complete. I was awarded sole legal and physical custody of our 4 children, as well as a small cash settlement and my minivan paid off. His girlfriend broke up with him almost immediately after our divorce was final. 

Those are the highlights of our marriage and divorce. Side note he has had a long string of girlfriends over the years. Cheated on every single one. He finds a new one before leaving the old one. He remarried maybe 6-7 years ago. They worked together. She was married, he was living with a girlfriend. She had school age kids. It was super messy.

Along came a Narc about one year into our two year divorce.