Was he ever or did he walk away? And the very beginning

The church sermon this past Sunday was in part about Jesus and Judas Iscariot. Judas spent years one on one with Jesus, walking the walk and talking the talk. Yet Judas chose to betray Jesus in the most heinous of ways imaginable. His behavior begs the questions, was Judas really a Jesus convert who intentionally turned his back? Or was Judas’ heart and head hardened to Jesus teachings and he never really fully committed his heart making his betrayal an easy turn of events? Whenever I think about these questions, I inevitably think about my ex husband. This sermon once again brought thoughts of Ex.

My first husband was a product of my rebellious teenage years. Older, but definitely not wiser. The party guy. Slightly dangerous and fun. Fun until he wasn’t. He never could commit to being a committed monogamous husband, dedicated father, friend. As I grew older and my Christian faith grew, the chasm between first husband and I grew wider and wider. He never really grew up. 4 very small children at home and he just wanted to party with friends and have a long string of affairs, look at and surf porn. After 9 years of marriage the divorce was in full swing. I admit I was lost. And potentially looking for answers in all the wrong places. One of those places was an online divorce support group. Catalogs of divorce resources and a chat room. I chatted with whoever was online. Venting, asking for advice, shooting the breeze. I had an idea in my head of what I wanted and had lacked in my first marriage. A dedicated Christian man who loves his wife and wants to spend time with her, loves his kids and looks forward to caring for and raising them. Someone who desired to be my best friend because he loved me and wanted the same. Someone who despised pornography as much as I.

Looking back I see how naive I was. At the time it was flattering to receive attention from a man who said ALL the right things. About a year into my divorce there he was. Said he is Christian, said he loves his kids, said he despises adultery and pornography. It never occurred to me he was watching me, studying me, learning my wants and needs…..mirroring me. After months of online voyeurism he made his move. He said everything I thought I wanted to hear. His values were my values. His wants were my wants. He seemed perfect. We talked about the bible. We talked about our Christian beliefs. I couldn’t believe how compatible we were. It felt as if heaven had opened and dropped this perfect man for me. There one on big problem though. He lived on the east coast, I lived on the west coast.

He flew out to meet me in person. Physically he was an attractive man. Pretty face, tall, thin, toned, fit, polite, said all the right things. He stayed a few days. I was hooked.

A few months later, my parents agreed to watch my kids and I flew out to see him. He picked me up from the airport sweaty and smelly. He said his car was a mess and he wanted to clean it that morning and ran out of time to shower before he had to be at the airport. It wasn’t in character with what I expected. Dirty, sweaty and smelly. I met his two children. On the second or third morning ex decided to leave me with his kids while he went to work. It was unexpected and I was a bit uncomfortable with the situation as I was completely unfamiliar with his kids, but reluctantly agreed. His kids behavior should have raised red flags. His ex wife’s behavior should have raised red flags.

Several months after that, Ex flew to me. My divorce from first husband had only been final 5 weeks. He proposed. We drove to Nevada and got married. It was our 3rd face to face meeting. It was November.

The next month was Christmas break. Ex flew to me and we drove with my 4 kids back to the east coast.

One night Ex made a confession that left me gobsmacked. We were just talking about our hopes and dreams, our future after adulterous ex’s. My ex told me he prays to God that he be given the powers of the Archangels to battle Satan and defeat him. It was so odd, I initially thought he had to be joking. Then I realized he was very serious.

I believe my reaction to his admission threw ex for a loop. I was so taken aback I initially didn’t have a response. I just stared. Incredulous. I remember stuttering with no words. Eventually saying, you need to repent and ask for forgiveness. Humans were never created to battle Satan. We are not Archangels and never will be. Without Jesus, humans are nothing in the face of Satan. You need to repent of this fantasy. Ex looked at me with pure unadulterated hate for an ever so slight second. His eyes black as night. Terrifying. What had I done?

That look in his eyes has never left me. It was hate, evil, confusion, lack of understanding. I wondered in a split second why did he wait until now to tell me this fantasy? This wasn’t a Christian belief. Where was the person who professed similar beliefs to mine?

I found out I was pregnant with our first child in January. He was still living on the east coast.

I felt less and less loved. I felt abandoned. I was pregnant. I had 4 incredibly young children with a man who rarely saw his kids and my husband lived 3000 miles away.

Try as I might, I can’t let go of the image of Satan being the most beautiful yet the most evil creature. Ex had drawn me in with his pretty face and charms, and Christian declarations mirroring my own, but ultimately declaring his desire to be equal to an Archangel. What an odd and sacrilegious desire. My Christian self felt betrayed. Ex had a way about himself. One minute he was sullen and seemed to have this suppressed underlying anger just bubbling to burst out. And the next minute he’s charming and sweet. I never knew which ex I was getting. I look back and realize walking on egg shells began very early in our relationship.

September arrived and with it a new baby. Baby arrived 6 weeks early and spent the first weeks in the NICU, born with a disability.

Ex wanted me to move my kids and I cross country to live with him. He shared custody of his two children with his first wife. Week on, week off. My first husband really hadn’t had any objections to the move when I approached him. But God had other plans. Ex was laid off from his job before we could even get started on a move.

Ex surprised me. He decided to move to me and leave his children with his ex-wife. He signed over full legal custody to her with him having a couple month visitation over the summers.

Our baby was 3 months old when ex gave away everything he owned and drove cross country to me and we began living together for the first time.

3 months after ex moved to me, I found out I was pregnant with our 2nd child. I have a very vivid memory of the evening baby girl was born. I don’t have memory of screaming out while pushing during labor but Ex asked me why did I scream out. He told me it was embarrassing. Embarrassing??? Who tells their wife her reaction to labor pain while pushing his kid out is embarrassing? His comment stung.

Our 2 children are 15 months apart.

I started seeing more cracks in Ex’s christian beliefs.