His first wife

She’s a novel all on her own. Actually, I have always joked, their story, my story, could have made a Jerry Springer episode or maybe even an entire season. In some ways I feel terrible that I believed ALL his stories about her in the beginning. That I allowed him to mold and shape my view of her. But man, she made it easy to believe him and occasionally he was on point. She lived to have the last word as did he. She was a blow for blow kind of gal. She never ever sat back and just let the dust settle. And then there was her drug problems. Their relationship was the absolute most volatile and angry I could have ever imagined on my own. It was the very definition of toxic. They were both acting crazy, but in different ways.

One thing I learned over the course of the 16 ish years I had to deal with ex- wife’s shenanigans: even a broken clock is right twice a day. She had truths to tell. It was hard at first to take anything she said seriously because of how outrageous her behavior could be. After she moved to my state, her truths were her mantra to me almost every single face to face we had. I believe she wanted validation for how Ex had treated her during their marriage. She was hell bent on convincing me. Ex just called her crazy. But…. But as the years passed I was recognizing her truths were actually my truths. By the end, her story was my story. I don’t know exactly when her drinking and drug issues started. Ex never accused her of either while they were married.

According to Ex they met while he was on leave while stationed in Afghanistan around the time of the first gulf war. He was back on base on the east coast. She was a brief fling who contacted him later to let him know she was pregnant with his child. Ex said he proposed but found out at that time she was married to another man. He said she told him she had been separated from her husband for some time. They just hadn’t gotten around to divorce. He said they got married after her divorce was final. I only have his recounts to go on. No idea if any of that is true. I can say with all certainty though, stepson is his dad’s carbon copy. They couldn’t look more alike if they had been cut from the same mold, which I guess they were.

Ex always blamed ex-wife for everything. I don’t really remember him ever accepting any culpability for their failed relationship and divorce. She was the devil and he was her victim. According to Ex, she had cheated on him with an airline pilot and filed for divorce. Later on after we were married and living together, Ex disclosed he had been so angry she had moved her boyfriend into ‘their’ house with their kids he broke into the house while she wasn’t there and had used a big knife to carve up the finish of the bedroom furniture. So many unsettling stories he waited to tell until after we were married and living together.

The first time I met ex-wife was during ex and my second face to face meeting before we got married. She just barged right into his apartment when I was there alone with their two kids. The door was unlocked and she walked right in unannounced. Walked strait up to me and put her hand out for a hand shake and introduced herself. I still remember how cold her hand was. After that I made sure the door remained locked at all times. She showed up unannounced several more times after that. The door handle would rattle, and when she couldn’t just let herself in she would knock. She was friendly but was definitely there for no other reason than checking me out. She was very attractive, very thin and always dressed impeccably.

Ex and I got married November 2001 in Nevada.

Ex frequently complained of no money and being broke. He often said I would do this or that but have no money to do it. He wished my kids and I could come east and be with him and his kids for Christmas but he just doesn’t have money for that. I had a rather small settlement from my first marriage. A paid for newer minivan and about $6000 in cash. Ex knew this. I had told him I felt I should put the cash into an IRA, but he said it was more important to invest in our future. He had no problem with me spending every last penny. I ended up footing the entire cross country trip and time spent on the east coast after we were married. This was a real lapse in good judgement on my part. But also an unrecognized glimpse into our financial future.

My second meeting with ex-wife was the Christmas break immediately after ex and I got married. Their kids were with ex-wife when we arrived on the east coast. She brought the kids over for dad’s visitation week a few days after we arrived. Ex-wife was dressed in a short black leather mini skirt, leopard print low cut blouse and stiletto healed knee high black boots. Hair and make up perfect. She looked like she could have been dressed for a night out clubbing. Step-daughter was dressed in a somewhat similar outfit. She had on a little dress, black at the bottom, leopard print at the top and a little pair of fuzzy black winter boots. Her outfit was cute. The only thing Ex said to ex-wife was wait here I have something for you, then shut the door leaving her outside on the front porch. He took step-daughter into the bedroom, made her take off the outfit and put on jeans and t-shirt. He then walked back to the front door carrying the entire outfit, opened the front door and threw the outfit right past ex-wife and down the sidewalk barely missing her. This surprised me as much as it surprised ex-wife. Ex then said in a voice dripping with venom you may like to dress like a prostitute, but I will not allow you to dress my daughter like one too. Those clothes will never enter my house again. Then he slammed the door with every ounce of strength he had right in her face. It took me a bit to pick my chin up off the floor. Red flags flying.

We had planned to be there 2 weeks, but surprisingly the area got snow for the very first time in umpteen years and absolutely paralyzed an area unaccustomed to snow. We stayed for about a month. Things with the ex-wife were just weird. They were on a week on week off schedule. The ex- wife didn’t come get the kids at the end of the week. She didn’t answer her phone. Several days after she should have picked them up, she showed up at Ex’s door completely unkempt and disheveled. Worlds away from the put together manicured woman that had shown up preciously. She announced that she couldn’t take the kids because she was on the way to the police station to file a police report. She stated right there in the doorway she had been raped and couldn’t take the kids until she got it all sorted out. And then she was gone.

I asked Ex if she needed help. Should we do something? He said no, he didn’t believe her. He said she was acting out to gain attention. I guess I will never know.

Ex’s children’s behavior was something else indeed. More the older child. The son. A year younger than my oldest and the same age as my second child. Ex had previously disclosed that his son was getting into a lot of trouble at school and at daycare. Bullying. A lot of bullying. Stepson was much larger than my children. Somewhat in height, but extreme in weight. He was a 190 pound 9 year old and he threw his weight around like a hammer. He was hitting, punching and tackling my children from the get go. And he made it abundantly clear he did not want my children touching his toys. Step- daughter did her fair share of hitting too. Her super power was making up wild stories and whining to her dad. He never questioned or investigated the validity of anything she said. He just took her at face value and acted on it. She loved to get her brother in trouble and the subsequent babying from daddy. Now with my 4 kids there she had 5 times as many opportunities to tattle, watch dad come down on another child on her behalf and then receive babying. Ex spoke to Step-daughter in baby talk 100% of the time. She was 5 at the time. Step-daughter’s wild story telling continued right through to young adulthood and at times has caused very serious repercussions for others. Ex’s talking to her in baby talk still continues even now. He defended her each and every time justifying her behavior as her mother’s fault. Actually Ex blamed his ex-wife for stepson’s physical and verbal bullying too.

Ex had a large glass front buffet/hutch with dishes and knickknacks he inherited from his grandparents. All the cup handles and such were all faced the same way. Every day or two stepson would open the cabinet and turn one cup the opposite direction from the others. The first time he did this he was wholeheartedly laughing to himself. I asked him what was he doing? Stepson asked me to wait until dad got home and I would see what was so funny. Sure enough, Ex walked in, eyes scanning the room looking first for what was ‘wrong.’ He walked strait to the hutch and turned the cup handle to face the same as the others. Stepson would pick something different around the apartment each time. Ex always seemed to be silently perturbed the things were out of order. I sometimes wondered if he would have been more vocal with his displeasure if I hadn’t been there. He just had an angry smirk and annal retentive briefly flashed to mind.

If I hadn’t been there that December Ex’s kids would have been in daycare. But he wanted me to watch them instead. Although his apartment was actually large for a one bedroom apt., it was seriously small for 6 kids jockeying for space. My kids and I brought my kids Nintendo 64 with us from home. Ex’s kids didn’t have a video game system at his apartment, so stepson was all about the game system. As with his own toys he took it over and wouldn’t let anyone else play. At one point he had gathered up all of his toys and put them in the corner behind the TV. He then sat himself in front of the TV playing my kids N64 while protecting his toys from my kids. He hit my kids anytime they attempted to touch a toy. Ex was totally useless. He told me he wasn’t there to witness this so I needed to deal with it. So I dealt with it. As soon as his dad left for work Stepson was once again sitting in front of the TV playing the N64 and guarding his toys. I asked stepson if he wanted anyone to play with his toys. He said no. I asked him- so you want to keep toys separate and no one should play with someone else’s toys right? No sharing? He said yes while simultaneously playing the N64. I said ok! We will do it your way. I turned to my kids and said Stepson’s toys are off limits, please don’t touch them again. Stepson was grinning ear to ear and continued playing the N64. My kids were wide eyed. I then walked to the TV and turned it off. Stepson jumped up and shouted Hey I was playing the game. I said I know. The N64 belongs to these kids and I want to honor your wishes. They will play the N64 and you will play with your toys. No sharing. His 9 year old brain was working overtime. Eyes darting back and forth. Obvious he hadn’t considered the whole big picture. I asked him to please move out from in front of the TV so the others could play with their toy. He sat cross armed sulking for a while. I asked him if he would like to reconsider sharing? He said yes. I said so you want to share your toys and you want these kids to share their N64? He said yes. And just like that, the sharing standoff was over. The toy saga was fairly quiet the remainder of our time there.

Or so I thought….until the drive back west and ex- wife’s phone call

Ex’s kids had been with us 3 straight weeks. We waited to head back west and home at the end of Ex’s parenting week. We were on the road maybe an hour when ex’s cell phone rang. It was Ex-wife. She was screaming from the very first word. It was so bad. The reason behind her anger- I, me, the stupid fat bitch stepmom wouldn’t allow her son to play my kids N64 and I, me the stupid F’ing cunt made her son share his toys. Those are son’s toys and no one should ever be allowed to play with them. It is son’s TV (Ex’s TV) so son should be allowed to play the N64 anytime he pleases on his TV. They were screaming at each other in the car in front of my 4 kids. Ex kept saying nothing she was saying was true, so ex-wife put stepson on the phone and screamed tell your dad what you told me. It wasn’t until that moment Ex knew both his kids were sitting there listening to their entire argument. Stepson mumbled how he wasn’t allowed to play the N64 until he let the other kids play with his toys. The ex-wife put step-daughter on phone she mumbled something similar.

As a parent, this argument was dumbfounding to me. Ex-wife was screaming every obscenity imaginable right in front of all 6 kids because I required my kids and her kids to share equally and hitting was off limits. She had the audacity to call me vulgar names because I didn’t sit quietly and allow her son to hit my kids when they did something he didn’t like. Like touch a toy.

Red flags were flying high by that point.

I repeatedly asked Ex to just hang up. Stop talking to his ex- wife. No such luck. He wanted the last word as badly as she did. What a miserable start to our cross country drive.

I found out I was pregnant about 2 weeks after we returned home. I was in my late 30s. Ex is 2 years younger than me.

I saw Ex once during the pregnancy. It was a really lonely time. I wasn’t really sure we would ever really be together. But it was a busy time. 4 kids with me full time and pregnant with my 5th. I had high blood pressure problems with all but one of my other pregnancies. This one was no different. At 33 gestation I was hospitalized due to extremely high blood pressure. I was induced a couple days later. Pressure spiked to incredibly high numbers and never came back down. Ex booked a flight out but wasn’t in time. Such a crazy crazy crazy and fast induction. Cytotec. Labor came on fast and furious. Hard pain immediately. No lead up. Just pain. At about 4 hours in, I was alone in the hospital room. I called the nurse and told her I needed to use the bathroom. She said she had to check dilation first. 4 centimeters. So she helped me up and I walked to the bathroom. I walked about 1/2 way back to the bed and the urge to go again hit me hard. I turned back to the bathroom. The nurse said what are you doing? I told her I needed to go again. She said NO! And started pushing me to the bed. I kept protesting. The nurse caught my baby as I was climbing back on the bed. Literally. I was on my hand and knees trying to get back on the bed.

My sweet little boy was whisked off to the NICU within seconds. He wasn’t breathing on his own. I remember 3 things so vividly. He was limp and gray, white gray and his legs looked off, although things were moving so fast I couldn’t put my finger on why his legs looked off.

My OB still hadn’t arrived and neither had Ex. I was still alone. About an hour after my son made his appearance this side of my womb, in walked a youngish doctor who seriously needed some sensitivity training. He just blurted out we suspect your son has a genetic disability. We have sent blood work off to confirm. It will be a day or two before the bloodwork comes back, but we are pretty sure. It was like he was standing at the counter ordering a Big Mac. Strait forward and cold. Im not even sure he let go of the room door handle. Then he turned and left the room.

Baby boy spent 2.5 weeks in the NICU, then sent home on Oxygen. Thankfully he was a big boy. 6 pounds 9 ounces at 33.5 weeks gestation. He would have been a tank if he had gone to full term. And his legs-he was born with severe club feet and had to have a number of surgeries and castings to straiten his legs.

Ex spent a few days with me before heading back east.

Ex wanted me to move to him. We had started talking about this possibility while I was still pregnant. He didn’t technically have a permanent job. He was a contractor for a rather large international company based on the east coast. The company started laying off tens of thousands of employees world wide shortly after baby boy was born and Ex ended up being laid off in a group of 50,000.

I look back through my life and the hand of God has been up front and center over and over. This was no different. I thank God I didn’t move there. We went into a kind of holding pattern at that point. Without any prompting from me, Ex signed over sole custody of his kids to his Ex-wife, drew up an odd child support arrangement that ex- wife agreed to and signed. Ex-wife asked Ex to let her and the kids have all his furniture he was leaving behind. It had been the furniture in their home together before their divorce. Ex refused her request and then to spite her put up a free ad and gave all his grandparent’s furniture away to the first response to his ad. Then moved to me. Ex came up with the child support agreement himself. They didn’t use a state calculator. It said he would pay ex-wife a percentage of his take home pay. He was paying her very little and sending personal checks to her through the US mail.

And things continued to get more weird. Both Ex and Ex-wife are control freaks.

All was somewhat quiet initially. Ex was here with me, his kids were back with ex-wife. Ex turned out to be a drill sergeant with my kids. Relentless. He was obsessed with the most inane things. Underwear and socks folded how the military folded underwear and socks. He would check drawers almost nightly. If they were folded incorrectly according to his specifications, he dumped the entire drawers on their beds and made them start over. I was really dumbfounded by the sheer dedication Ex put into this. I was the total opposite. I never cared if their underwear was neatly folded. All I had ever asked of them was dirty in the dirty laundry bin, clean in their dressers. My own underwear drawer was and still is very untidy. Ex was genuinely angry at me over my own personal underwear drawer. He never ever washed or folded laundry, but he made sure I understood laundry was my job and I was critiqued on my lack of proper folding skills with HIS underwear for years.

Ex would not allow my kids to snack on breakfast cereal. In fact they were not allowed to snack between meals period. The kids were not allowed to use the downstairs bathroom for number 2. 10 people living in a house with 2 bathrooms. If one of the kids got desperate for a bathroom and used the downstairs bathroom Ex grounded that kid for 2 weeks.

The kids were to maintain full eye contact with him at all times when he was speaking to them. If they lost eye contact he started over. He could lecture for days it seemed. Weird. And I was overwhelmed.

Ex tried calling his kids frequently. Ex-wife either wouldn’t put them on the phone or would be on another line while they did talk to dad. Ex and Ex-wife argued, screamed, name called, accused.

There was one day Ex called during the day. Stepson answered the phone, apparently against mom’s instructions. According to stepson they were home alone. Mom was at work. Ex called child protective services and reported ex-wife.

Ex-wife’s boyfriend called Ex out of the blue one evening to tell Ex ex-wife had some sort of medical episode and he had taken her to the ER. The hospital ended up forcibly admitting her to the psych ward for a 48 hour hold and he had the kids. Ex contacted his sister who lived in the area and she came to get the step-kids. Boyfriend took the sister on a tour of Ex-wife’s house while Ex-wife wasn’t there. The house had been the marital home when Ex and Ex-wife had been married. Boyfriend said ex-wife had been having extreme episodes of paranoia and had ripped out all the flooring in the entire 3000 sq ft home. The entire house was subfloor. He said she had lost her extremely high paying job and was working temp jobs through an agency. He said there was never any food in house unless he went shopping, and her car had been repo’d. Boyfriend apparently didn’t live with ex-wife but was there frequently. Ex’s Sister said the frig and pantry were empty. Ex bought a plane ticket and flew to sister’s house.

At the end of the 48 hr hold, ex-wife went to sister’s house in a taxi demanding the kids back. Ex said ex-wife was laughing at him telling him he was a fool for flying out because she would never allow him to take her kids. Step-kids went home with their mother and Ex flew back to me.

Summer arrived and Ex flew out to pick his kids up to bring them out for the summer.

Once back Ex went to Radio Shack and bought phone call recording equipment. Ex-wife was calling frequently and Ex was recording everything onto cassette tapes. Ex-wife grilled the kids about every detail. Called us names and talked about how weird we are. She would tell the kids their dad had replaced them with that new baby. She also made promises of all the fun things they would do once back with her. She put her boyfriend on the phone too and they both promised to spend lots of money on the kids. Even telling the kids if they lost a tooth while with dad not to tell dad but hide the tooth and bring it back to her because she would pay them like $100 a tooth. Ex recorded every call, then would listen and re-listen and listen again, sometimes transcribing the recordings.

Ex-wife made calls to the Sheriff’s department for well checks as well. Several times.

Stepson was the same. Punching, hitting, and shoving my kids to get what he wanted. But just with my younger two boys, especially the youngest. My oldest son wouldn’t engage with stepson’s provocations. Step-daughter was a cute little girl who Ex spoke to in baby talk and treated like precious glass. Ex treated his two children soooo differently. One could do no right, the other could do no wrong. My 4 children were relegated to the same boat as stepson. 5 scapegoats and One golden child.

Step-kids were supposed to spend 2 months with their dad. About 1/2 way through the visit stepson asked to talk to his dad and I. Stepson said he didn’t want to go back to his mom. He unloaded stories that shook me. He said their mother left them alone overnight most nights, with instructions they were never to answer the phone or the door. He said people had shown up to talk to the kids but mom was there too so they couldn’t tell everything. We learned later that DHS had actually called Ex-wife and scheduled an appointment and allowed her to remain in the room while they interviewed the kids. Stepson said his mom held his hand the entire time and squeezed his hand when they asked questioned she didn’t want him to answer. He said they sometimes didn’t have food to eat and his mom would call her boyfriend and scream at him to bring them food. He said one night his mom and the boyfriend got into a really bad argument at the top of the stairs. Boyfriend was on a step below ex-wife. Step-kids were at the bottom of the stairs. He said his mother pushed the boyfriend really hard snd he fell down the entire stairs. When he hit the bottom he didn’t move and his head was bleeding. He said his mother walked down the stairs, stepped over him. took boyfriend’s car keys, walked out to the car and drove away without ever saying a word to the kids. Stepson said she never came back that night and they thought boyfriend was dead. He said he took his little sister upstairs and locked themselves in the bedroom. He said the boyfriend woke up a long time later and left without talking to them either. Stepson also said his mother liked to lay in bed all day sometimes with his little sister watching TV. He said she would lock him out of the room because he was a boy and because she hated his father and he reminded her of his father.

Ex made it his life’s work to take her down. To the exclusion of everything and everybody. He became a man obsessed. It was as if nothing else existed anymore. I cant say I entirely blamed him. His ex-Wife had gone off the deep end but so did he. He declared her crazy to any and all. My regret is I overlooked or didn’t see or maybe didn’t want to see his glaring red flags. I don’t know. Now he is a man obsessed with me. The same obsession, the same dedication. The same blinding anger. I never went off the deep end though, and I believe that fact has enraged him far more towards me than I ever saw towards her. He hasn’t been able to point his finger at me and declare crazy and make that monicker stick, and that frustrates and enrages him.

After stepson’s admissions, Ex started making phone calls. A lot of phone calls, recording each and every call. The cassette tapes were piling up. Hundreds of hours. He started with DHS and the police. Then court records. Then everyone who ever knew her.

~~~~~~~Updating 1/26/25~~~~~~~~

Ex did find out some very interesting and unexpected information by calling DHS. The caseworker assigned to Ex-wife was surprised to hear from Ex. Ex-wife had apparently lied to the caseworker telling him Ex had just moved away leaving no forwarding address. She said she didn’t know where he was or how to get ahold of him.

The caseworker also let Ex know there had been a hearing but he was unable to release the details without a subpoena. Ex filed for an emergency hearing back east and then representing himself filed a subpoena of DHS records.

Ex-wife had been awarded their marital home in their divorce, with the stipulation she refinance the house into her name only. She never did refi the house. During Ex’s digging he discovered she had stopped making payments even before he had moved to the west coast and the house was in foreclosure. She had actually been evicted from the house over that summer and was couch surfing with relatives. We had assumed something was up because the last two months of child support checks had been returned undeliverable.

Ex received only the juvenile court order but no other records. Child neglect and abuse had been founded. Ex-wife had stipulated to the charges. The kids were placed in state custody with physical placement with mom.

The day before the emergency hearing, Ex flew himself and step kids back to the east coast.

Ex was awarded temporary legal and physical custody. A full trial date was set for a several months in the future. Ex ordered the full transcript of the temporary hearing. It was a typed written transcript. Not like today’s audio recordings. I believe it was $500 to get it transcribed and took months to receive.

Ex wasted no time. He began calling everyone. Her mother, brothers, uncle, her boyfriend, her friends. He wanted dirt. Anything he could use in court against her. Ex was recording each and every call. Her mother was having none of it. She stated she knew what kind of abusive husband he had been. The mother actually told Ex if he did not lay off her daughter, she knew people who could take care of him. None of her friends would talk to him either. They stated Ex-wife had confided how he treated her. Ex poo poo’d it all stating they were just covering for her.

The surprisingly talkative one was her boyfriend. And later one of her uncles.

The hearing transcript finally arrived. Ex-wife blamed Ex for pretty much everything. She testified how he had it out for her and started all the problems when he turned her in to DHS. She testified Ex was paying her next to nothing in child support and she just couldn’t make ends meet and she had no choice but to go to work that one day to make money to buy groceries and Ex seized upon the opportunity to get her in trouble with DHS. Ex had filed his hearing motion to include all the things stepson had told us. The judge ordered step kids back into his chambers and questioned them about what Ex had filed.

I totally agree he wasn’t paying much in child support. We were pretty broke at the time. Ex was trying to get himself established and had a very low paying job. He couldn’t find a job in his field. Ex-wife couldn’t explain what happened to her high paying job she’d had for years or why she was working sporadic temp jobs. I actually saw the last 2 years of income tax filings Ex and Ex-wife filed jointly together. I believe the years were 1999 and 2000. She made over $130,000 each year all by herself. A great deal of money back in 2000.

Ex-wife called the kids once or twice a week. Ex recorded every call. She sounded defeated. Told the kids she couldn’t live without them. Wasn’t sure how she could go on.

Ex-wife retained an attorney very shortly before the scheduled trial. A day or two before the trial her attorney called Ex and stated they were filing for a continuance and that there was no need for him to fly east because there would be no hearing. Ex stated he was not going to agree to a continuance. Lawyer stated it wasn’t up to Ex. Ex flew himself and step kids east. The trial was postponed. I don’t believe a new trial date was set right away. When it was finally set it was months down the road. The Ex visited with his sister a couple days then they flew home.

Things with Ex-wife’s attorney went dark fairly quickly. They initially requested a ton of discovery but wouldn’t respond to Ex’s requests. Then the attorney stopped communicating all together.

Ex-wife’s boyfriend was just a chatterbox. Ex seemed to live for talking to him every single night for hours. Ex was completely ignoring me, the kids, dinner. He was working and talking in the phone. That was it. At first the boyfriend told Ex he didn’t give permission for Ex to disclose to anyone they were talking. He didn’t know Ex was recording every call. At some point they broke up and then boyfriend didn’t care who knew they were talking. The boyfriend said Ex-wife was using drugs. Hard drugs. Meth, heroin, cocaine. That’s why she lost her job, that’s why there was no money for food, all the money was for drugs.

Ex’s obsession with talking about ex-wife was gross. He would talk to the boyfriend for hours at time. If he wasn’t talking on the phone, he was listening to the tapes. Over and over and over. He wouldn’t take a night off for anything, including my birthday. I had to purchase my own chocolate cake from Costco. All the kids just wanted to sing me happy birthday and have cake and ice cream. Certainly nothing extraordinary. The kids had school the next and it started getting later and later. Ex was shut up in a bedroom talking and recording. I went into the bedroom and told Ex it’s past the kids bedtime and they are still waiting for you so they can sing me happy birthday. The Ex was so engrossed in his gossip session he had completely forgotten my birthday. He told boyfriend he needed to go and ran into the kitchen, opened the plate cabinet directly above where the cake was sitting. I had already taken the cover off and put candles on the cake. Ex drug the stack of plates out of the cabinet dropping them directly onto the cake and the tile counters all around the cake, shattering the whole stack of plates. The cake was inedible, covered in glass shards. Happy birthday to me.

In the course of calling all Ex-wife’s known associates, Ex had spoken to Ex-wife’s uncle a couple times. The uncle wasn’t open to discuss Ex-wife in the beginning but did disclose she was staying him. He told Ex he didn’t want Ex calling him anymore.

Ex-wife dropped off the radar. She stopped calling step kids. Her attorney wasn’t returning phone calls or emails. The attorney petitioned to postpone the 2nd trial date, which was granted, but otherwise was ignoring Ex’s communication.

Out of the blue, Ex-wife’s uncle called Ex. Man oh man, he had a story to tell. He started with Ex-wife had disappeared and wanted to know if Ex had any information, which of course he didn’t. He said he was on the outs with Ex-wife’s mother and brothers because of the situation. Im not positive but I believe the uncle was the mother’s brother. Uncle said she came to him with the saddest of stories. She was Ex’s victim. Ex had destroyed her financially, caused her to lose her job, the house and car, and caused the taken kids to be taken away. He contacted the mother and mother corroborated Ex-wife’s story so he took her in. Loaned her a great deal of money and co-signed for a brand new car. As soon as she had the money and car, she disappeared. She never made even one payment on the car. The finance company was demanding the payments from Uncle.

A couple months later he called again with an update. I don’t recall all the details but I do remember some. The car had been seized in a large drug sting operation. It was being used as a mule car. Ex-wife was not in the car. It was believed she loaned the car out in exchange for personal drugs. Uncle said he had received an emergency services visit that ex-wife had been found unresponsive and alone in a motel room and emergency services had been called. Ex-wife disappeared and her whereabouts were unknown. The uncle gave Ex all the police reporting and court filing numbers. Ex was able to obtain all the records. No one knew where Ex- wife was.

All was quiet for months. No communication from Ex-wife whatsoever. She had just dropped off the face of the earth.

The next communication concerning ex-wife was stunning. She was in Europe and she sent a proposal through her attorney for return of the kids to her custody to live in Europe with her. We later learned once Ex-wife hit absolute rock bottom she contacted a college friend who was living in Europe working as a contractor for the Army. That friend paid for Ex-wife to come Europe and live with her while waiting for a job opening. Ex-wife waited until she was fully employed as a contractor herself before letting anyone know where she was. It appeared she had cleaned her act up.

Her attorney started making threats. Filed for a new trial date on the east coast. Ex did his research. Since neither parent lived on the east coast anymore, Ex went to our local courthouse and domesticated all their court documents to our state and filed for a trial here. It was pretty obvious Ex’s move took everyone off guard. The attorney withdrew and Ex-wife hired a local attorney who continued bombarding Ex with custody and visitation proposals.

After months of back and forth, Ex wife agreed to Ex having sole legal and physical custody. She agreed that the kids would not go to Europe, but she would come here for visits. I believe they agreed to 4 weeks per year and she had to stay local with like a 100 mile radios. She agreed to sending Ex her itinerary before each visit. She also agreed to pay $700 month child support.

Ex came for her first visit. She came alone and picked up the kids in a rented car and took them to a local motel. The visit was seemingly low key. She took them to a couple movies, out to eat. She showered the kids in gifts, which they brought back to our house.

The second visit was I believe 2 weeks around Christmas time. She rented a mountain rental home close to a ski area. This time she wasn’t alone when she came to pick the kids up. She brought a boyfriend. He was an Army contractor. Hired gun, private base protection. Think 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi kind of guy. They took the kids to the mountain house for about a week, then back to our town for the last few days.

Ex-wife rarely failed to just stun you with sheer drama. The kids were due back in 2 days. Ex received a call from stepson asking him to come pick him and his sister up from the motel. Stepson said mom is being arrested. It didn’t register until after the dust settled, Ex had flown out to the car and to the motel inebriated himself. He said when he got there, their car was under the motel entrance awning. The kids were sitting off to the side with a police officer, the boyfriend sitting on the curb rocking back and forth muttering to himself and clearly very drunk and Ex-wife was in handcuffs being led to a police car. He said his daughter was screaming and crying for her mom. Ex asked if daughter could say goodbye to her mom. Step daughter ran up to her mom and hugged her. ExWife screamed at the police officers to get her away from her. Screamed at daughter to get away and otherwise said nothing else to daughter.

The police report stated the group of 4 came into Red Lobster for dinner. The employees said the adults were arguing when they got there. They ordered dinner and lots of alcohol. The arguing escalated into a physical altercation between the adults. They were told to leave. The employees said the woman was the driver. The man was falling down drunk. They said they had overheard the motel they were headed to, then called 911 and reported it. Apparently once back at motel the adults exited the car and continued their fight in the motel parking lot. The police asked who was driving. Ex- wife said boyfriend was driving. Boyfriend was too drunk to give a coherent answer. So the police asked the kids. The kids both said their mother. The police asked her to take a sobriety test. She refused and was arrested.

The kids did not see their mother again that visit. she spent the night in jail. Then flew out to Europe the following day.

Both Step kids were quiet and somber for weeks after that. Especially step- daughter. She really just withdrew. Ex decided to put the kids in counseling.

Ex looked up the boyfriend who just left and started calling him. His name was Ken and he had a lot to say.

~~~~~~Updating 1/27/25~~~~~~~~

We found out after the fact Ex-wife returned a couple months later for her court appearance for the DUI. She requested a diversion, which would allow the DUI to drop off her record if she completed it. And to my knowledge she did complete the program. She didn’t try to see the kids. No one knew she was here.

A few months later Ex-wife sent Ex her itinerary for her next visit with the kids. Ex filed for an emergency hearing to try to prevent the visit. Her attorney filed a motion to hold the hearing the first day she was in town for her next intended visit. Her visitation motion was granted.

Just before the visit Ex received an email from the Army Chaplain of the Army base Ex-wife was working at in Europe. He introduced himself stating he was a friend of Ex-wife’s. He went on to state that he will be accompanying Ex-wife on her upcoming trip to visit the kids and he was assuring Ex there would be no issues this time.

~~~~~~~~~Updating 1/28/24~~~~~~

The court hearing came and went. Ex-wife presented evidence she had completed her DUI diversion. She claimed she no longer drank. Claimed she had received counseling. Mr Chaplain verified her stories. The judge ordered the visitation to go forward as planned. Ex was livid. They stayed local and everything was quiet to our knowledge.

Im fairly certain there were no more visits from Ex-Wife and Im not sure how much time passed but I believe it was just a few months until Ex-Wife’s email arrived announcing she was pregnant, married to the Army Chaplain and moving to our town. Once here, they rented a house just a few blocks from us. She arrived with two brand new vehicles. A brand new truck her husband mainly drove and a brand new Toyota Camry.

Ex-wife’s first order of business was to file motions to end child support and to reverse physical custody to her due to the fact she no longer works and will be a stay at home mom with her new baby due in a few months.

That first hearing after she moved here was fairly short. Judge ordered temporary orders and a trial was scheduled for a later date. Ex-Wife was ordered to continue to pay child support. Her visitation schedule was updated to every other weekend and a weekly dinner night.

And everything went to shit almost from the get go. Step kids were 15 and 11 when their mother blew into town. Ex and Ex-wife were every bit as volatile as they had ever been. They were arguing over the phone, email and in person. They were having in person screaming arguing matches in our front yard. They were equally hell bent on having the last word. The angrier Ex-wife became at Ex the more she targeted me.

Ex-wife started up with the well check calls to the local police if she didn’t get her phone call to the kids answered.

At every single kid exchange that I was involved in she screamed the words ‘’let me set you straight on what kind of man you married’’. Every time. Her words are burned into my brain. And then she let loose a list of things he did to her during their marriage on repeat every time. The one that caught my attention and caused me to pause: she said he ignored her all the time, Pretending she didn’t exist in her own home. She stated he would sit in their computer room with his head phones on blaring his music, surfing the web or playing computer games and getting falling down drunk every night. She was almost desperate in her attempts to make me understand. We didn’t have a computer room, but he did have a laptop, head phones and a couch, otherwise she was describing my life to a tee and it struck a nerve. I slightly envy her that computer room. At least she didn’t have to deal with his irate behavior in the midst of nightly living. Something else she said often: just wait until you don’t live up to his expectations, he will make you pay. This one I stored in the back of my brain. It wasn’t until late in our marriage that this particular mantra of Ex-wife came back to me. In the year leading up to finding Ex’s affair, he frequently told me I didn’t live up to his expectations. Huh? I was having deja vu. I had heard that before. It occurred to me, he said this to ex-wife verbatim. This man had no new tricks up his sleeve. He was on repeat and I was his current target.

Ex did things that just made himself look so bad and made him angry at me if I pointed that fact out. I don’t remember which occasion it was, but step kids arrived from their mom with a wrapped gift for their dad from the kids. Ex refused to open it, throughly disappointing his kids. It just sat there until ex-wife came to pick the kids the next time. Ex walked out to her car with his kids carrying the gift. She rolled the passenger front window down, smiling at him. I don’t know maybe she thought he was coming to say thank you? Instead of thanking her, he grabbed the gift and flung the package like a frisbee into the passenger window and in his angriest voice told her to never ever buy him a gift ever again. Then turned around and stormed back into the house. I guess there were no doors to slam this time. The kids were wide eyed. My chin was on the ground. I wasn’t expecting this. I had asked him numerous times to just accept the gift. He was disappointing the kids. He wouldn’t talk about it. Ex-wife sat there looking as stunned as I felt. I was embarrassed.

Ex was hell bent that none of our kids would have a cell phone or drive until they were working and could afford to pay for the cell phone, car insurance and for a car themselves. By this time we had my 16 yr old son and two 15 yr olds, step-son and oldest daughter. There was a certain amount of reason to Ex’s constant blathering. We definitely weren’t in a position to pay for 3 cell phones, car insurance for 3 or 3 cars. His solution- one shared pre-paid cell phone and no driving. They did a lot together so the one cell phone sort of worked. Sort of. There was constant arguing over who was using too many minutes.

Then things changed. Ex-wife added step-son and step-daughter to her cell plan and gave both their own cell phones. I don’t remember if I stated earlier, but Ex had bought recording equipment from Radio Shack and was recording every phone call between step-kids and Ex-wife. So the fact they now had cell phones nearly sent Ex over the edge. He was bonkers. He initially tried to tell them the phones had to stay at their mother’s house.

RxWife also took stepson to get his driving permit and he was driving her brand new Camry. In addition, the house that Ex-wife and husband had rented was a small house with a mother-in-law suite out back. Ex-wife and husband were living in the suite. Stepson and step daughter were in the main house.

Ex-wife filed a motion to have the phones available for her to talk to kids while at dad’s. Granted. So Ex then used the phones as punishment every time they got out of line in his eyes. He would ground them from the phones every time they arrived back with him. This escalated the arguing between Ex and Ex-wife. He tried telling Ex-wife they were grounded from the phones even on her time and he was keeping the phones until they were ungrounded. She called the police. Police came to our house. Ex turned the phones over to Ex-wife. My goodness. It really was a shit show. In the middle of this my two oldest were still sharing a single pre-paid phone and watching the shit-show. My oldest had gotten a job and asked his dad put him on his cell plan. His dad did add him with the stipulation oldest son was required to pay his dad for his cell phone.

DHS, a police detective and several police officers arrived incredibly unexpected one morning. I had been having so many issues with middle son. Mostly because of Ex’s and middle son’s incredibly volatile relationship, as well as stepson was still stepson. The only thing that had changed was Stepson was now 6 feet tall, 310 pounds and still a bully. Middle son was skipping school. He was angry. He was constantly running off. I was heartbroken because no agency seemed willing to intervene, instead blaming me for not controlling the him. I think my initial reaction took the detective completely guard. When they announced who they were, I said oh Thank God, are you here to help with middle son? They stared at me like I had just spoke a foreign language.

Nope, not there to help. Ex had been reported for abuse and neglect. I will admit the female detective was thankfully very polite. I very clearly remember the officers head straight to the basement and exclaim out loud, ‘this is a family area’. I said yes?? The basement had two rooms. We had 1/2 set up as a TV room, the other 1/2 was the laundry room. Im not sure what they had expected but from their reaction I thought they were expecting a true blue dyed in the wool dungeon. They took their notes, took pictures and the detective stated that if abuse was eventually substantiated against Ex, he would have to move out. But everything was still under investigation. I was terrified.

Ex-wife and step-son were at play.

Sometime later a police officer came knocking at the front door while Ex was at work. He said he was there to do a well check. We stood on the porch talking. I started to cry i was so overwhelmed. The officer was sooo kind. He said I wouldn’t usually make a police report for a well check but I intend to this time. He said go to the station and request the report tomorrow.

The report was eye opening. The officer reported that Ex-wife and her husband had come to the police station angry that their DHS report hadn’t resulted in my kids being removed from Ex’s care. Ex-wife was demanding the police go get Ex. She didn’t want her kids to have to go back to Ex ever again. The report also said step-son and ExWife had made the abuse together. The officer said they needed to go back to DHS and discuss their report with DHS but that he would go make well check.

Shortly after stepson turned 16 he ‘ran away’. To Ex-wife’s house. Ex-wife took him to get his driver’s license on his 16th birthday and gave him her new Camry to drive exclusively. The car was completely his to drive. He wrecked it 3 weeks after getting his license. So then he was driving the husband’s truck while the car was in the shop and husband was driving a rental,

Lots more to come….