Bocce and Blocked

If it’s not one thing it’s another with Ex. But there’s always something. Control is the thing that gets him up in the morning. The thing that keeps him up at night. Control is his life’s blood. What is Ex without control? I believe that to be the very question he mulls around his head during the quiet times day after day, night after night, when there’s no outside sounds to drawn to out the voices of his inner demons.

Why is every little thing, the thing? Grappling for every small morsel of control, no matter how petty. Every inch of life a minefield. I take one small tentative step after another, bracing for his explosions. Walking on eggshells forever and ever.

I envy the people who get to walk away from their Narc Ex, block their number, block their social media, and never see or speak to them again. I envy their peace. I envy their quiet.

Bocce. Who argues over Special Olympics Bocce? My Ex. That’s who. Three years in a row. But only since he felt his self imposed control of bocce slip away. Bocce is a hill to die on I guess. A small petty hill, but a hill none-the-less. A hill rightfully belonging to our disabled son. A hill Ex has no right or business attempting to control. But here we are anyway. There is no hill Ex has ever met he isn’t willing to fight over.

The back story on Bocce: Back in 2019 Ex’s coworker at the time who also has a son with a disability introduced Ex to Bocce. That coworker was coaching the local chapter of Special Olympics Bocce. I had son enrolled in numerous other sports but had never tried Bocce. Prior to 2019 and Bocce Ex had shown only minimal interest in either of our 2 children’s sporting events. But now that he had a work connection, Ex enrolled son in Bocce and participated as son’s unified partner and the pretend public display of ‘involvement’ in front of his coworker was on full display. He ran around being ‘helpful’ and so syrupy sweet and someone I hardly recognized. This wasn’t mean, surly, disagreeable husband and father the kids and I lived with. Ex played unified bocce with son at the regional tournament. When it came time for the state tournament, Ex refused to agree to rent a motel room and told me I couldn’t go. Ex and son rode the bus with the team and stayed in the free housing Special Olympics supplied. The free housing was for the participants only. So I stayed home.

2020- Covid. Special Olympics canceled everything

2021- Still Covid: for the second year in a row Special Olympics canceled everything.

2022- third year of nothing Bocce. Son’s Saturday baseball league did start up play again this year. (12/22 our divorce was finally final.)

2023……things were sort of back to normal. Sort of. Son has played in a Saturday disabilities baseball league since he was around 5 yrs old. He loves it and of course I signed him up to play again this year. Bocce sign ups opened after the baseball league was already full swing. Ex signed son up for unified Bocce without discussing it with me ahead of time, which wasn’t a problem except for the bocce practice schedule….And Ex’s shit show begins. Ex emailed me stating he had signed son up for unified Bocce and the practices were Saturday mornings. Ex stated that he would be leaving with son after the first batting round (first inning) so he could get son to Bocce practice before it begins every Saturday. I said no. Son would need to finish the baseball game and then Ex could take him to Bocce practice late after the games were over. I told him there was only a few more weeks of baseball anyway. Ex wouldn’t accept that and the baseball coach had to intervene on son’s and my behalf. It was embarrassing and so needless. Shortly after the baseball season ended, the Bocce coach switched practices from Saturday mornings to Thursday afternoons. Son wants me to attend everything he does. I want to attend because, well, I want to be there for son. I attended every single bocce practice. Once the practices were switched to Thursdays, Ex stopped showing up. Son was upset because he knew Ex was his partner and because, simply put, Ex didn’t show up. I had to step in and be son’s practice partner. The coach kept asking me where is Ex? After this happened several weeks in a row, Coach called Ex right there during practice. Ex told coach that he wouldn’t be showing up on Thursdays because that is her (me) parenting time. The coach told Ex either he showed up to practices or son couldn’t compete. Ex started showing up to practices again after that phone call. Ex competed with son at the regional tournament that year. I went and sat with son during his down time between matches. Ex kept his back to me at all times. Even turning his chair so his back was to son and I. Eventually, Ex went and sat in his truck during down time so he didn’t have to be in close proximity to me. I honestly don’t remember why they didn’t go to the state tournament or if there even was a state tournament after the regional tournament that year.

2024-Ex had moved 4.5 hours away in January 2024, so Ex wasn’t eligible to complete with son summer of 2024. I signed son and I up for unified competition. I emailed the entire Bocce competition schedule to Ex in April 2024. The state tournament was scheduled for July and fell on ‘Ex’s weekend’. The regional tournament was in June and fell on ‘my’ weekend. Ex’s mother had called me in May. Ex’s step-father had recently passed away and she was working out dates in July to fly to our state for a small memorial for step-father. Apparently none of the west coast family flew back east for his funeral. I told her the tournament date and she repeated it back to me.

Ex came to watch the regional tournament in June. Unfortunately, Ex chose not to sit with the team, or me, and kept son off by themselves during down time between matches and seemed to be mostly on his phone not paying attention to anything including son, but he stayed until the end of the tournament.

There was approximately one month between regional and state tournaments. Shortly before the state tournament I emailed Ex a reminder of the upcoming tournament. Ex replied with a curt response stating my mother made plans for us that weekend. After some investigating on my part, I had to find out through a third party Ex and his mother planned the memorial the same weekend as the state tournament and expected son to just drop everything last minute. Ex and his mother made these plans and chose not to tell me. I had been taking son to twice weekly practices at which his upcoming tournament was discussed each time. If Ex and his mother had shown son and I even a small modicum of common curtesy and told us of their plans, I could have withdrawn son and eased him out of state tournament expectations. For the umpteenth time, Ex purposefully sabotaged my ability to make informed decisions for son. My first mistake was emailing him back and telling all this. Ex responded by telling me I do not deserve common curtesy and that he will never show me common curtesy. It was a six paragraph rehash of every perceived ‘offense’ I committed during our marriage and how I took him for everything in the divorce. It was the same old same old emails and texts he had been sending for 4 solid years. Just a complete trashing of me, my character and how much he despises me. At the end of the reply he once again told me I am ‘blocked’ and the only way I am allowed to contact him is through USPS. I have lost count of the number of times he has ‘blocked’ me so I cant reply, then unblocked so he can add heaps of trashing of me, then re- block. I used an old email address to reply and told him I was done with his abusive emails and text and was purchasing a parenting app which would be our sole communication avenue. Ex replied coping SD, our joint daughter and his mother to his response. Once again it was another multi-paragraph take down of my character, and name calling, although scaled down for his mother’s benefit. He even went so far as to say he didn’t know about the state tournament because my emails are so abusive he doesn’t read them. Which of course was an outright lie. He showed up the regional tournament which was listed in the exact same email with the state tournament dates. It was perfect example of why I was demanding accountability through a parenting app. An app that cost me $300 for the first year, but worth it to end his ability to send me such abuse anytime he wanted.

My second mistake was responding stating this whole thing is over his refusal to show me common curtesy and keep me in the loop of the plans that directly affect son and I. I had given Ex 2 dates for the entire summer and I had given Ex’s mother one date for the entire summer. And neither one of them felt it appropriate to tell me they scheduled their activities on the one and only date I had given both of them. Ex’s mother interjected herself at this point. She made it about herself and Ex and somehow I was at fault for ‘arguing’. She didn’t mention that they made plans that they unquestionably knew directly affected son and I and chose to leave us in the dark to find out last minute and third hand. She didn’t mention that my only ‘argument’ was their decision to show son and I zero common curtesy and leave us in the dark for 5 weeks and let me find out third hand.

I pulled son from the tournament last minute so he could attend the small family only memorial. Now I know Ex’s mother is most definitely one of his flying monkey minions and is as untrustworthy and toxic as Ex.

2025……

This year Ex didn’t attend son’s regional tournament. I sent Ex a message after the regional tournament letting Ex know son was advancing to state. Ex’s initial response was he wanted to switch weekends because the state tournament falls on ‘his’ weekend. I replied I assumed he would want to be with son during the tournament and this was his response. His ‘previous’ response was his demand to switch weekends.

This is his response to notification of the state tournament.

Son’s Bocce coach asked me if Ex was going to attend the tournament. I let her read the message thread. She shook her head and said why wouldn’t he want to come cheer his disabled son on?

That’s a very good question…..

All the blocking and unblocking. He likes to tell me off, tell me Im blocked, then unblock to add to it, the reblock.

The screen shot below is of a little video I had taken of Ex and our family Golden Retriever back in 2019. When I found out our dog had passed January 2022 I sent it to Ex. Im fairly certain Ex had never seen this little video prior to me texting it to him in 2022. The screen shot below the picture was Ex’s response. His response was all about the fact I hired an attorney and wouldn’t blindly accept his divorce demands. Ex took our family dog away from the kids and I in June of 2021. I was heartbroken to hear she had died. I texted the video only. No words or commentary on my part. I thought he might want this sweet little video of her. I guess he didn’t.

Here’s another stupid text exchange: