What if?

In the end he said and did things for no other reason than to hurt, to destroy, to devalue, to make me question my entire worth, to regain control.

It was the very end that I began to recognize it started years ago.

So many whys. So many what ifs.

He shouted marrying you was the biggest mistake of my life. But why would he say that? It was simple, I wouldn’t blindly accept his edicts and he had lost control. At the time, his statement was more laughable than hurtful. We were at the point of no return. Discovering his infidelity was my saving grace. My escape. The end. And I knew my confidence was returning.

I half chuckled and said marrying you wasn’t my biggest mistake. I have 2 beautiful children I wouldn’t have if we hadn’t married. I would do it all over again in a heart beat for them. My biggest mistake was staying with you after I figured out who you are.

That moment was one of the very few times he was speechless.

But he never remained speechless, he licked his wounds, regrouped and came back full force.

Time is lessening the what ifs? What if I had done this or had done that? Would it have made a difference? No, I don’t think there is much that could have taken us from this path. He is who he is and there isn’t much I could have done to persuade him from his self righteous trajectory.

The saying goes, time heals all wounds. I do believe this is true. Up to a point. Some wounds scar over and take on a new appearance. Just as physical wounds scar over, yes they healed but they will never ever look like that smooth fresh skin that was there prior to the wounding. Some old wounds are tough and sometimes unattractive and tender to the touch. Maybe over time they become less sensitive but they never forget.

I get asked if Im dating? Why aren’t I putting yourself out there? We need to find you a boyfriend…..I cant do another Ex. Another narcissist. Another control freak. We are approaching the 5 year mark since I uncovered Ex’s affair. I haven’t dated. I haven’t put myself out there. What if? I cant get past the what if? What if he’s a closet covert narcissist like Ex? It’s safer to not find out. What if?