What isn’t

I turned 60 years old 4 months ago. Yikes. 60. I don’t feel 60. Im fairly certain I don’t look 60, but 60 I am. I looked back through old texts with Ex. I think my one thing was travel. Ex never ever prioritized vacation/travel or even family time. I wanted these years to be about seeing more of the world, spending more time as a couple, exploring our world. But Ex wasn’t interested. As I scoured through our old texts I see one overwhelming truth: I was the only one of the two of us invested in our future. Im almost embarrassed at how one sided it was. Late 2019/ early 2020. Ex was disinterested. No matter how much I attempted to draw him in, he was elsewhere. He was uninterested. And non- engaged.

60. I don’t feel 60. Is that too old to venture out? To all the things Ex poo poo’d? All the things I begged him to do? It’s been 5 years. Ex has done nothing. Nothing, but complain about me and continue years of nothing. I don’t want these years to be a continuation of nothing. The glaring realization is Ex never had an expectation of life as a retired couple.

I don’t really know what his expectation was? Maybe nothing? Maybe he just waited for the next ego supply? As I looked forward to the next life chapter? I see more clearly now we were never on the same path. I see too, the begging for attention started a long time ago.

Below is a screen shot of a text I sent Ex after I found out I had received a pretty big promotion at work. I took pictures of my new office and work station. Ex commented on the monitors only. Nothing else. I asked him later, what did he think because he never said anything. I said isn’t it really nice? Ex’s reply: ‘What do you expect on the taxpayer’s dime?’ Something really important to me is degraded. No, yes it’s really great! No, congratulations. No, nothing. Just your monitor is too high and the taxpayers took a hit.

Yes, it was a public service job. But I worked hard for that promotion. Ex acted more jealous than anything.

I texted I love you. He wouldn’t respond for hours, then say ‘busy’ or ‘ sorry, just saw your text’. But no I love you too. I settled for scraps far far far too long.

I have so far had my children to venture out with me over the last 5 years, and we have ventured quite a bit. But now it’s totally on me. Im nervous and intimidated by the thoughts of complete self reliance in travel. I have something big planned in a few months. It’s been in the works for well over a year. It’s big, really big. At least big in my world. Here’s to self reliance.